Fear and Anticipatience.

T-23 DAYS

Every night this past week I have been finding myself awoken in the midst of cold sweat.

  Fear is not something I'm all too concerned about when I think of these surgeries, in fact I am looking forward to it. I'm counting down the days, hours and minutes that bring me even the slightest bit closer to this surgery. This surgery is a good thing and I don't necessarily find myself cringing away at the thought of someone cutting me open and breaking my jaw. So why is it that every night i find myself subconsciously concocting nightmares that explore everywhichway this procedure can go wrong?  I have been having the strangest nightmares that not even warm milk can cure. And you know, I really try and dig deep and search my subconscious to find and settle any underlying fear I have; and perhaps maybe it is the unsettling fact that They are reforming the very face I was born with and have lived with for 17 years; the fact that I'll be stuck with that face for the rest of my life and that the way i look when i get married, when i take pictures that i'll look back on for the rest of my life, when i look at my children, my family, andmy loved ones; EVERYTHING depends on this man that will rob me of my consciousness for 2-3 hours and instead replace it with the gift of, at first, pain, and angst and struggles... but then the gift of painfree freedom that empowers me to eat anything i want to wherever i want to - And when I think about that, the 2-3 months I'll spend not  chewing, blown up like a balloon, the 3 hours that I'll spend asleep under a plethora of bright lights, on a hard metal table, or the fact that I give the power to a man with a very sharp scalpel to reshape the face that I'll live with for the rest of my life, doesn't seem all that significant to me. So maybe writing all this down has calmed that underlying fear in my heart, and after finishing a mug of warm milk, I'll be able to dream of laying out on the grass, stargazing with the one I love.

BY THE WAY TODAY I WENT TO FUDDRUCKERS AND WAS ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY CROSS THAT OFF MY LIST  I still cannot move from the magnitude of what i ate.

PIX FOR PROOF.  Special thanks to my big brother best friend fo'evah that took me out on a lunchdate and is currently helping me complete my list.

And can we just talk about the time me and my friends were modern princesses