The Terrifying Tale of my Horrible Hiatus

Sorry for everyone who has missed my and for those who have wanted the end of my perilous journey.

There has been a lot of changes that I haven't been able to tell you about but the thing i regret the most is not being able to record all the changes and feelings I went through during and after he second surgery.

So here's the tale of my worrisome wires
There's so much to tell y'all about the changes I've gone through both physically and mentally this year because of my transformation, but luckily I've almost got this tale down to a tee thanks to all the recitation I've been doing to my peers and such.
But for the most part, they get the sparknotes version, nofearCiara edition. They don't really understand how I feel and what these experiences did to me.
Here, you'll get the whole novel, uncensored, in all its glory.

I clearly remember the drive to the hospital being even more terrifying than the last as I anxiously sat in the back of the car listening to the radio. What really racked me was that it was the same but different because this was a different surgery bringing different challenges.
I went through the motions I knew fairly well; loads of questions, waiting, measurements, more waiting, more questions, waiting, change into surgical gown, even more waiting, some needles injections, more waiting. Then finally the surgeon shows up suddenly looking a lot scarier than he did in the clinic and greets me with a big smile.
The nurse shows up, and administers what i can only conclude to be the 'Happy Drug' again, because I don't remember much of anything after that except vaguely thinking that so much was going to change.
What I remember most about finally waking is that it wasn't as violent as my first awakening which entailed a lot of screaming and equal amounts of public humiliation and slight accidental nudity??? (stupid surgical robe)

But the biggest thing that scared me is that
I couldn't open my mouth. 

No matter how much the doctors had prepared me for this, the reality was so much more terrifying because I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking, and like i was trapped all at the same time. It took a lot of medication and a lot of time to finally calm down but eventually I learned to breathe and swallow though i was just always on the verge of freaking out almost everyday afterwards.
The most reassuring thing that day, and I remember this so vividly because I felt so much love, was the presence of my family and friends.
I was exhauuuusted; I mean, completely drained both physically and mentally, but the moment my friends bounded through those doors, I felt overwhelmed with happiness that I barely even felt pain, tiredness, or even any embarrassment. I didn't mind at all "talking" to them for hours. They took away my pain and discomfort, and made me feel immense amounts of love.

And beyond all the discomfort and fear I felt, the memories that will always stick with me from that day will always bring about the warmth of love and friendship they gave me.

Anyways, a lot after that is kind of a blur. Eating was a difficulty as you can imagine. Not only did I have wires running across my braces to hold my jaw together for what was going to be about 2 weeks, but I also had wires running into my gums wrapping around the bottom of my skull and through my nose and tied around in the front.
It was all overwhelming and eating was basically a chore. It got boring, and most times brought discomfort. Almost everyday I got cranky because i as hungry all the time. Despite my inability to eat, my mother demanded that I participate in family dinners both going out and at home, which was nice, you know... Except that I spent every moment resenting the fact that i couldn't eat....
But despite all that, and through all the dark times, there were definitely moments of clarity that made me realize just what was waiting on the other side.

That, plus the never ending support and love of my friends and family is what kept me going.

As for my overall transformation, there has been some ups and downs. Getting my wires off was probably the most terrifying thing as much as it was getting on. You see, as soon as I had gotten used to it, it became a comfort for me, and taking it off was another big change I just didnt feel ready for. I couldn't imagine not going anywhere without my mandatory wire clippers, or having an excuse to always have a smoothie or milkshake with me at all times. (lol). But when the time finally came, I remember sitting anxiously in the clinic room and heard two loud clicks and finally, a kind of scary freedom I took advantage for far too long. Opening my mouth and seeing my tongue for the first time in two months was like taking a breath of fresh air.
 I did't get the wires that wrapped around the inside of my skull out until two weeks later, but that much freedom was just enough for me to start feeling myself again.

The ugly part of it that I won't tell most people is that I wanted to keep my wires on. You see, I, for the most part of my life have never been content with my weight. I always envied people with a smaller body,smaller legs, smaller thighs, arms, and wore smaller clothes. Being on a liquid diet, gave me this sort of comfort of a restriction that I wasn't able to eat anything that made me feel fat. As a result of not really being able to eat for 2 months, I lost 30 pounds literally doing nothing but watching netflix. And as a result, not only did I begin to see myself as a different person because of my jaw, but to some extent I was kind of happy with my weight. In the back of my mind I had this sort of feeling that what I found pleasing in myself was kind of wrong and that feeling grew stronger when, after I lost 30 pounds, I found myself always urging to lose just a little more weight and a little more and just a liiiiittle more.When I got my wires cut, I knew that I would have to start eating solid food again and that disgusted me. It scared me. It made me feel fat just thinking about it. And it took some time to get used to the fact that I was going to have to eat again, and for the most part I enjoyed it and I seriously enjoyed eating feed again from a different perspective.  But every once in a while i'd feel remorse or disgust for indulging in a sandwich when I was hungry or having icecream after dinner. I've gained a considerable amount of weight since then, though not as much as i had before the surgery, and I still feel that kind of disgust from time to time but something else has changed. Looking back, I realized that to me, the amount of weight I lost would never be enough for me until I learned to love myself and work on who I am as an beautiful individual.

So that's as much as I can write about on that for now. If you're looking through this trying to find any more of my surgery tales, just search the "surgery tale" tag.

As for me now, I've gone and passed senior year of highschool and graduated which is a chapter of my life I'm happy to close. Relationships have come and gone and have changed me probably for the better, though as honest as I am to you, that just isn't what I'd like to read back on in these tales.

I'm in college now and so begins a brand new chapter that I'd love to tell you about if you're willing to stay and read.
Thank you for reading up til now, and I know that it has been a wild ride, believe me, but now it's time to start anew.

Of course there will DEFINITELY be pictures linked in once I get blogger to cooperate.
But for now, that's all. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally begin my perilous tale of college.
 Much love, Ciara.