Home is where my bed is

DAY 02

JUNE 13, 2014

last night was pretty rough; I couldn't sleep all  that well due to the discomfort. I, of course was woken every chance i got to slip into slumber by nurses that took my vitals. The swelling has gotten so bad it feels like my nose and cheeks have pieces of lead hanging off them, but the discomfort in my throat has gone down quite a bit. I was able to swallow the thick viscous liquid ibuprofen with ease
I am also able to drink snapple, which my aunt was oh so gracious enough to send bottles of during her visit.
but of course I need more than snapple to fuel my healing, and my mom pushes me to drink more

on a happier note,

THE DOCTOR HAS CLEARED ME TO GO HOME

discharge felt like hours but after a while I was in the comfort of my own car, safely homebound. It was here in this car that I had come to the realization of how cold I was. I was cold all the time, no matter how many blankets I had, which is why I spent as much time in the hot shower as I could.

Anyways it was here in this car that I took the best nap of my life, and after the hour long commute home, I drank hot homemade soup which was the best thing id eaten since the surgery. 

breathing is all the more difficult as the swelling rises, and it really bothers me that I cant do much about it but tonight, my father is going out to get a humidifier which will hopefully help that out.

Everyone is being really supportive which makes things a lot better. I find that i feel a lot better having family around and people around me; it distracts me from the discomfort and pain and makes me feel normal.

now I'm going to have another hot shower in hopes of clearing my sinuses and then maybe I'll watch some grey's anatomy.

Progress photos!~

The Beginning of the Worst

DAY 01

JUNE 12, 2014

The night is mostly sleepless due to the coming and goings of the nurses that are tasked with recording my vitals and issuing me little doses of ibuprofen to ease the pain. The incessant sound of the oxygen mask they have given me and the hinderance in ability to breathe also do not aid my need to sleep, but somehow despite sleeping most of the day and all the discomforts inbetween, I am able to fit a couple hours of sleep in. Not my highest score, especially when I need it most, but truth be told I probably got more sleep last night than I did for most of my Junior year of highschool.

Everything about this room is uncomfortable. The size (though I was gracious enough to get a private room), the loud sounds, the lights, the loneliness, the way I feel ; everything about this room makes me miss the comfort of my own room in my own home.

Around 6 am the resident rolls by and is not at all surprised that I am wide awake and have been for quite a while. He looks me up and down and declares that I am fit for dietary advancement onto a full liquid diet.
He tells me my upper jaw has had

•  a 12 mm advancement (which is huge)
•  2 bone grafts; one on each side
•  4 titanium plates
•  and "a lot" of titanium screws (which do not cause panic at airports through the metal detectors) 

He also tells me that he'd like me to stay another day  "just to make sure" which kind of makes me panic because this place is suffocating and lonely and I dont know if I can take another day of this.

As for eating, I've found that the back of my throat is too thick from intubation that drinking anything  sweet or salty is out of the question without being watered down. I'm constantly in fear of choking, even in my sleep, because along with the sore throat, there's also the fact that my nose is so chock full of blood that breathing is out of the question. So I spent a lot of my time trying to walk around and get out of the room, I escape to the restroom when I can, and do rounds in the halls

The swelling I experienced yesterday when I got out of recovery has substantially grown. I can feel the swelling rising uptowards my eyes and it's getting harder to breathe. The peak of the swelling has yet to come. It is predicted the worst days will be 3-4. Afterwards most of the swelling will go down within the next 2 weeks. Residual swelling will take up to a year to go down completely. 

Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Here are some progress pictures of today 

we went downstairs for breakfast

 PROFILE PHOTOS 

 At this point it's difficult for anyone to understand me so i write messages.

Morning Selfie ~ The swelling isn't so bad at this point

 Throughout the day the swelling got substantially worse

The Awakening

DAY 0

June 11, 2014

Awake at 4:30 A.M

as per instructed, I take my medicinal shower with the surgical soap, taking extra care not to use any soaps and lotions. After I get ready, donning my favorite cat shirt and comfy jeans that I know i will be stripped of not even an hour later, I patiently await my parents, and anxiously anticipate what's to come. The drive there is mostly quiet after we pray the rosary, and it's apparent that I am not the only one that's nervous. We arrive at the hospital 7:30 and are whisked into the pre op room not even 3 minutes later. When the lady in a white coat calls my name and leads me to the room I am nearly shaking as it finally dawns on me that this. is. it.
Once in the room (that's a little too cold) she points to a pile on the bed and directs me to change my clothes. At this point all that's going through my mind is "oh my god, already???" I shakily take the pile which consists of 

• a paper-like, lavender robe (that's waay to big for me)
• a plastic bags for my civilian clothes
• a pair of comfy, non-slip socks

I slip into these things and then lay in the bed  that's provided and try to calm myself with TV as doctors and nurses come and go, asking a bajillion questions (most of them repeated) and connecting wires, stickers, ect to me.

Finally, the surgeon rolls in trailed by his trusty resident and confirms that he will see me in thirty minutes, which terrifies me further. Thank goodness five minutes late, the tiny anesthesiologist bounces in and briefs me on what will happen within the next then minutes

there will be a few more nurses coming in to ask more questions, and an IV will be attached. Afterwards, she will return with a syringe in which she has a very special "happy drug". This drug, she says, will calm my nerves and will be administered through IV. 

After she leaves, just as she says a nurse comes in and sticks in the IV, which just hurts a pinch, and seconds later, the anesthesiologist comes with her special syringe and loads it up. Immediately, unstoppable giggles bubbles from within and I can help but smile and laugh even though just seconds earlier I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety. 

Conclusion: THIS DRUG IS AMAZING

they wheel me into the room and transfer me to the surgical table, and within seconds there are about 5 different nurses working on me like bees; attaching wires that are connected to machines, setting up blankets and instruments, it was all really a drugged up flurry, and before I knew it, i was overcome by darkness.

My feet are warm and toasty~

T-8 HOURS

The list of events that have occurred in the past week remind me vaguely of the times in which my life completely revolved around MMORPGs and I spent hours on end completing a quest that followed a plethora of sub-quests which would only lead to an ever-so-rewarding prize. Yesterday, I started my oh so perilous quest at 6 A.M the hospital's office downtown meeting with the surgery coordinator in which we stayed for hours trying to setting some problem with a CT scan ordered by some subpar facility in sugarland run by a group of ill-mannered people only to be told that after meeting with the anesthesia [which took another 2 hours just to have some tests run and be told that I'd be asleep for the procedure] that I would have to travel halfway across town and get a CT scan done at their other hospital and deliver the images to the ENT in hopes that maybe he'll be able to assess the images and clear me for surgery right away. Needless to say by the time I got home it was nearly evening and I was so tired from hopping from hospital to hospital I was just happy to be in bed.

Anyways now that the horrible day is over with and I've cleaned thoroughly and made my peace with food, tomorrow is the big day. 8 hours from now I'll be on my way to something I could only barely fathom in my dreams. In 8 hours, I will never look, or eat the same way again. 

In 8 hours, the whole game changes

and I'd be completely lying if I were to say I wasn't scared. I AM SCARED

but the excitement and anticipation i've built up for this day far outweighs any fear I harbour, not to mention the fact that this is only the beginning. 

I'm very happy to say that there are a lot of people supporting me through this and for all you who took the time to read these thoughts of mine, i'd like to say thank you. I am forever thankful for the friends and family that have been waiting for this day just as long as I have and will be there for me when i wake up to see me. 

Now for pictures~

MY LAST MEAL; 

BECKS PRIME BUBBA BURGER

DEAR LORD I CAN STILL TASTE IT 

I love duckies 

Hurrah for cool admission wristbands from when I got my CT

Left: Before

Right: estimated depiction of what they think I might look for after the first surgery.

Ta~ta

I'm Hooked.

T- 7 DAYS

     So a few days ago I finally got my hooks and it's so surreal because eight months ago I was reading about patients 5 days away from surgery getting their hooks and it makes me so happy because it's right there, I can almost touch it I just have to wait it out just a little longer. Actually, The only thing really standing between me and this surgery isn't really time anymore; it's the fever I've been suffering on and off for the past two days. I feel dizzy, tired, out of breath , and intermittently experiencing chills only to wake up from a shortlived nap drenched in sweat; Which is terrifying all on its own without adding in the fact that I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be sick  on the day of the surgery and I've been cut off from all medication starting today as per request of the doctor; but even as I type away I feel kinda better and the congestion-migraines are mostly gone I think or at least that's what it feels like splayed on my oh-so-comfortable bed but then I get up (maybe too fast) and then WOAH BAM BOOM pain hits me and knocks me almost literally off my feet. Anyways the point is, there is just mild alarm and I'm very VERY optomistic that this bug will pass ; I'll get my surgery on time and everything will be OKAY.

     On another note, there are 3 more days of school left and for some reason, despite the fact that I do almost nothing everyday, these days are the hardest. Same as being so close to the surgery date, I can almost taste the freedom of summer; the refreshing feeling of waking up far long after the sun had; and not having to worry about confronting other people or cramming for that assignment that's due first period, five minutes before the bell rings, or the fantastic feeling you get when you walk out in that hot beating sun and step into crystal clear blue water, orrrrr maybe like when your stomach hurts so much and you can't breathe; but not because you're terrified of presenting, but because you've been rolling on the floor laughing so hard and enjoying some stress free time with your friends  . HAHAHAHA. Just thinking about that special feeling makes me giddy.  And this summer is all the more exciting because it's gonna be action packed~
Anywhoozits, below is a picture of my hooks and  for some reason they remind  me vaguely of pinhead. They took all of thirty minutes to put on and the whole procedure was virtually painless save for the occasional pressure from a tool that resembled pair of really big pliers.  (un)Fortunately I don't have to visit the orthodontist until 3 weeks after my second surgery so I won't get to experience the oh so invigorating feeling of getting a falcon punch to the face- oh no- instead, next week, I get to have my jaw broken and then drilled back together with the help of titanium screws and plates; AND I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED~


alright back to studying for finals- and by that I mean binge watching Grey's Anatomy all night long.   

Just *Filling* you in [Update]

T- 15 DAYS

I went to the dentist last week which was, to say the least, terrifying. The last time I had been to the dentist was four years ago In a small little outlet building in front of a lower end Walmart and they counted a record-breaking 12 cavities, one of which was a root canal. My mouth was never the same again and after the fateful day of having all twelve of them filled, I vowed I would turn over a new leaf and start anew; brushing, flossing, and finishing up with mouthwash at least three times a day. However, some things are easier said than done, not to mention I was hopped up on a lot of anesthesia when I made that promise to myself so I like to think it doesn't count. Which doesn't excuse the fact that I almost never floss because it's such a freaking hassle with braces, and let's be real, sometimes no matter how hard and long you brush, sometimes it's not enough.
Anyways, forever-scarred by rude, inexperienced  dentists using antiquated equipment in an unkempt facility four years ago, there I sat staring up into that blinding light - the one that you can't follow -, mouth agape in a position that was more uncomfortable and painful than I last remember, as they counted all the little holes in my mouth dug in by forgetful nights, and fun, sugar-filled memories that I vowed not to regret, But as I listened to them count upwards from 1-2-3..... and so on, I heartily regretted every night I  laid in bed foolishly thinking "I can just wake up early and brush really extra well" or "One night wouldn't hurt anyone"-- but myself.
But despite my horrific expectations and terrorizing imaginary scenarios that I had envisioned nights before, It wasn't all that bad. The new facility I now go to is in a much better area, with bright, shiny, happy people that I think/hope know what they're doing. They were all very polite (and attractive) and never failed to make me feel reassured when it was apparent that I was freaking out. All in all, They counted 5 cavities, three of which they cleaned right up then and there; that was another experience in and of itself. The needles and drilling didn't hurt at all; what left me with a pulsating pain all over my face was the 2 hours I spent with my mouth open in the most intolerable of positions- at one point my jaw locked and I was terrified, but anyways, it's almost over, I've just gotta wait till I get my wire out tomorrow at the orthodontist appointment so they can reach the other two cavities. That - sadly - means that I wont be getting my Surgical hooks tomorrow *insert sorrowful violin music here* that's been pushed to a saturday appointment. It's weird because my whole schedule is FULL of doctor's appointments, which makes it hard to maneuver between group project summonings and end of the year social events but It'd almost over and we'll get through it.


On my personal Life, I just competed in State Solo/Ensemble this weekend in Austin where we stayed the weekend sight-seeing and exploring. The weird-ness runs deep there, and if you've never visited, I urge you to, It's a very cultured area and they've got cool seaturtle exhibits, and lots of other tourist attractions that are (not) equally as cool. The people there were kind and inviting;  I definitely wouldn't mind living there in the furutre. My time there was limited, so I'll definitely have to visit again on my own terms. As for the performance itself, my group and I practiced hard and we played my heart out, but there were a lot of talented people there and very harsh judges; and so, I don't know what to expect our score to be. Nonetheless it was an interesting and fun experience with talented people I genuinely enjoyed. There were definitely  unforgettable memories made. We practiced hard and played our heart out, which is all we can really do.
Anyways now that that's over,  Final exams are fast coming as well as final preparations for the big day.
NOW.... PICTURES :D

THE DENTIST 

My very talented friends hard at work               SELFIES ON THE BUS RIDE YAAS

STATE CAP. NO BIG DEAL.

                                                                         

 

FEEDING A SQUIRREL; NO BIG DEAL

Contest pictures, anyone?

UPDATE: WE GOT A 2 IN CONTEST woooOoOooOoOoOOOO

Fear and Anticipatience.

T-23 DAYS

Every night this past week I have been finding myself awoken in the midst of cold sweat.

  Fear is not something I'm all too concerned about when I think of these surgeries, in fact I am looking forward to it. I'm counting down the days, hours and minutes that bring me even the slightest bit closer to this surgery. This surgery is a good thing and I don't necessarily find myself cringing away at the thought of someone cutting me open and breaking my jaw. So why is it that every night i find myself subconsciously concocting nightmares that explore everywhichway this procedure can go wrong?  I have been having the strangest nightmares that not even warm milk can cure. And you know, I really try and dig deep and search my subconscious to find and settle any underlying fear I have; and perhaps maybe it is the unsettling fact that They are reforming the very face I was born with and have lived with for 17 years; the fact that I'll be stuck with that face for the rest of my life and that the way i look when i get married, when i take pictures that i'll look back on for the rest of my life, when i look at my children, my family, andmy loved ones; EVERYTHING depends on this man that will rob me of my consciousness for 2-3 hours and instead replace it with the gift of, at first, pain, and angst and struggles... but then the gift of painfree freedom that empowers me to eat anything i want to wherever i want to - And when I think about that, the 2-3 months I'll spend not  chewing, blown up like a balloon, the 3 hours that I'll spend asleep under a plethora of bright lights, on a hard metal table, or the fact that I give the power to a man with a very sharp scalpel to reshape the face that I'll live with for the rest of my life, doesn't seem all that significant to me. So maybe writing all this down has calmed that underlying fear in my heart, and after finishing a mug of warm milk, I'll be able to dream of laying out on the grass, stargazing with the one I love.

BY THE WAY TODAY I WENT TO FUDDRUCKERS AND WAS ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY CROSS THAT OFF MY LIST  I still cannot move from the magnitude of what i ate.

PIX FOR PROOF.  Special thanks to my big brother best friend fo'evah that took me out on a lunchdate and is currently helping me complete my list.

And can we just talk about the time me and my friends were modern princesses

Brace yourself [pt 3] for disappointment

T-28 DAYS

I mean I'm pretty much the type to get my hopes up pretty high when I'm told there's event he slight possibility that something exciting might happen, so when I overheard that I was going to get my surgical hooks today, 4 weeks ago, I woke up everyday this week looking forward to the moment they'd take out my wire and line my teeth with the little hooks that would bind me in a foodless, talk-less prison a month from now.
Sadistic; I know, but my drive to get through this month basically feeds off on every step I take closer to June 11th. So basically all that happened was I kind of griped about how I wanted my hooks today because it would be a complete hassle to schedule yet ANOTHER appointment in my busy schedule, (which they profusely insisted was necessary since the hooks might cause me a modicum of "discomfort") scheduling the next appointment, which took all of 5 minutes because i'm almost literally booked back to back with school and medical commitments, getting my  molds taken [this is like the fifth time and im kind of tired of getting that stuff stuck everywhere, including my hair], the monthly changing of my bands [i chose pink this time because they make me happy].
So anyways I was just really kind of disappointed; that I'm not getting them until two very long weeks from now, and that nothing much has changed but the color of my bands.
so below are some obligatory progress pictures and side profile pictures which always irk me because I never like taking pictures from the side angle. It is literally my worst angle.



note how flat my face is except for my jutting lower jaw; it's intolerable.




wish me luck on the us history AP exam i'm supposed to be studying for ! :D

Throwing caution to the wind [update]

     So it is literally T-30 days until the surgery and I'd like to say that I have taken a habit of being reckless when it comes to eating. It no longer matters  if it will hurt in the long run or not; if I like it, I'll eat . Of course decisions like these never fail to bite be in the butt later when im writhing  in pain from eating a whole steak, but I like living in the moment, and the moment that steak hits my plate, I'm going to inhale it. I'm not proud to say it, but despite the fact that with almost every meal that I've eaten, I've gorged myself to the point of no return, that renders me unable to move or breathe, I've still lost some pounds; which although I would normally be jumping for joy, there is a great deal of weight loss that is to be expected in the time that is used to recuperate, and my surgeon has been urging me  that it is essential to gain a few pounds beforehand.
 Along with this notion that I can  eat anything I want to for the next month, my friends and family are helping me complete my bucket list [here]. ANd IT'S SO FUN. BUCKET LISTS ARE GREAT. They literally give you a reason to do/eat things you normally never would; to step outside of your comfort zone; to do whatever you want; they remind you to enjoy life and the little things it has to offer, even if it's as trivial as eating fries from your favorite wing joint or a whole bag of your favorite chips or having lunch with the person you love.
I'm going to have to make a REAL bucket list after Hell Month is over :)
     See, my goal here is that, as much as I love food, a month from now, when I'm swollen, and wired shut, and my family is feasting on a buffet of chicken wings or shrimp or anything that makes me want to salivate even the tiniest bit, I'll look at it, and be automatically turned off by the memory of the taste and the feeling that i got after eating so much of it I couldn't move.

there is still too much to be done in the next 3 weeks and it's all really overwhelming but at the same time it gives me something to push through all the stress and horrible feelings I've had recently.
There will be a TO DO list up shortly  to keep track of everything that needs to  be done in immediate preparation for the big day[s]

Shout out to the mothers out there. I know that none of this would have been possible without mine and I am grateful for everything she's done for me. 

we celebrated with a barbeque in the back yard and enjoying the beautiful weather outside with the family :D

I also successfully crossed out bbq on my list.

Save The Date

So a few weeks ago I went to the orthodontist and got my braces tightened once more. I didn't really feel the need to explain how I felt like a loser of a fist fight between me and my 200 year old orthodontist, however, it is notable that they put in the THICKEST wire they own in preparation for my surgery. I was told that during our next session, two weeks from now, I'll finally be getting my surgical hooks, which makes it about as real as knowing when the actual surgery date is
sooooo....
I am officially happy to announce that the first big day is June 11th
And the second surgery is scheduled July 15th

it's all coming really fast
and as much as i want to enjoy that fact, there are a lot of things that I've got to overcome before the big day like ENT visits,  Physician visits, pre op, pre-surgery shopping,(cue dramatic music) DENTIST visits,
not to mention AP exams, State standardized testing, End of year exams, end of year projects, trivial auditions, SATs and state competition
AND AMIDST ALL THIS STRESS, I'm just sitting here making lists of the last things i want to eat before my entire culinary artillery is reduced to a single straw for 2-3 months
(feel free to read about that here)
I mean obviously I've got my priorities straight right?


There is officially a countdown on my phone to renew the excitement in my eyes everytime im having a bad day or hankering to know when the bell will ring or if im late for school but anyways i just want to thank  whoever's out there reading this for taking the time to do so and sharing da gr8 news

so
now im going to get working on that list again

just kidding im studying ok (lol)


Below are some pictures of me after getting my braces tightened (with black bands 'cause my good friend told me they'd make my teeth look whiter and who doesn't want that?)

This is right before UIL Competition about 3 days after they were tightened

This is from my NHS induction 2 hours after they were tightened

Shout out to my homies that never let me feel anything less that supported in everything that I do and accomplish and who are also helping me throughout this journey as well.

I love you all endlessly.

Big Mistake

So on the days when I need to remind myself of all the good things I've got going for me because I feel as if nothing good is happening, i like to peruse the collection of blogs and videos of people who have undergone what I will in just a few months. However, on this particular night, i seem to have made a mistake, because while browsing youtube I came across a video that portrayed a live freaking procedure of a Lefort 1 Osteotomy, which is just one of the parts that compose my surgery. Watching the video was something close to a SAW movie and it took me all of twenty minutes to watch an 8 minute video, which left me shivering and shaking at the end.
I know it wasn't all that wise of me to do that to myself, however, for some reason, as scary and daunting as it was, it was also very intriguing; I could not NOT watch it, and  even though I'm the tiniest bit scared now, I'm still as every bit as determined to get through this. In fact, maybe, in the long run, that experience will be somewhat comforting knowing how it will kind of go down.

Below is the a fore mentioned video
it is not for the light of heart and if you cannot handle gore and blood, I highly suggest you opt out, however, it is there for your viewing pleasure if you so please to watch it.

UPdate: We emailed the surgery schedule coordinator so hopefully we can FINALLY get a concrete set date as soon as she emails us back :DDDD

Brace Yo Self pt 2

It's only been a week but I went back to the orthodontist for many reasons,the primary reason being that my wires were poking me to hell,
I also need more work done on my teeth, and while I am fully aware that i just got them TIGHTened last week and that the soreness just entirely went away as of yesterday, after looking over my models, my orthodontist has confirmed that my teeth will be surgery-ready by end of April, start of June, and as preparation for that, he'll need to be seeing me more frequently to make sure I'm in prime condition for the big day. So here I am a week later from feeling like I ran teeth first into a brick building, feeling like John Cena drop kicked me in the mouth. The only relieving factor of this whole trip was that the piece of wire was finally clipped woo. Both the top and bottom were tightened and yet ANOTHER bracket was added  [blister power 2x]
oh well. I would post progress pics, but they're really no different from a week ago since the bracket is placed somewhere on a tooth in the dark unbeknownst crevices of my mouth.

now to visually stimulate you with my pic/gif of the week


ISN'T HE SO FREAKING CUTE HOW CAN YOU NOT BE DYING RIGHT NOW

Brace Yo Self pt 1

So I took my monthly trek to the orthodontist and am feeling very much like everyone does after literally RUNNING into the wall, and if you've never tried it, you should because it's a real game changer.

I got power chains again, and if you know nothing about them, that's fine, but if I'm going to tell you anything about them, I find it appropriate that I quote my good friend that once said "Anything with the adjective power in front of it has got to be painful" which is not exactly a lie.  Along with my power chains, I also got an additional bracket put on a tooth that I had no idea even existed, so pending blister.

As the hours have progressed, I think it's safe to say that there's a huge piece of wire digging into my cheek and I find reeally don't find it worth the trouble to drive thirty minutes just to get a 3mm piece of wire trimmed, but you'd be surprised how much damage that sucker can do so i might call over the weekend or something depending if i think i can hold out till the 15th of next month.


Some update pics coming upppp
feat. my favorite pink elephant